I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize
