The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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