If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
