im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
