I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
