Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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