So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We don't watch enough power rangers
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
