It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
