I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
