you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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