who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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