angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
