hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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