Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
