I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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