i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
