you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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