Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
