Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
