The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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