Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
