Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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