rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
