WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I believe in your delicious
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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