How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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