Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Randomize
