Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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