She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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