20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
