Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
