your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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