Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
