Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
