Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
