Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
