I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
