I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
