I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
