Only a mothe r could love this liver
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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