i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
