Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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