Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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