I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i think i have herpe
just one?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
