it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Someone came in the potted fern
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
