I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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