please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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