I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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