I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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