i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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