I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
