quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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