Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
