tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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