Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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