I wish my penis had an off switch
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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