she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
