i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
